Here are the details. Not that you care, little blog, but just fyi. So, you know, I don't sound any MORE crazy. I know, real funny, har har.
We recently purchased a Nordic Cab bike trailer/jogging stroller. I, being the idiot that I am who plans poorly and has Issues (you know, like putting her own discomfort before anything else - keep reading, you'll see), decided it would be great to go off on a spur-of-the-moment adventure across town to the library to pick up books. With my older, little-used bike. And the bike trailer. On city streets. Using the bike+trailer for the second time. (First time was to the beach over the weekend w/ Hottie McHotts. A much more manageable trip. One that buoyed my confidence, though I admit there was more rash decision-making at play here than legitimate confidence combined with a well-thought-out "adventure.")
Our destination in sight, I'm relieved things have gone well - though probably not going to do this again, as it's a little dangerous and all - and then the chain. THE CHAIN. IT COMES OFF. (Yes, yes, I know they do these sorts of things. But did it ever cross my mind? You know, what with my OLDER bike and all? NOOOOOOOOOO. That's how my brain operates, just assuming right along, thinking everything works out and contingency plans? Who needs THOSE?)
So I used up the last functioning brain cell when I decided that, "Hmm, maybe stopping to fix this on the street is not the best idea. I should probably move to the sidewalk." Which was easy, the getting the bike up over the curb and onto said sidewalk. The attached bike trailer, slanted at an angle when I have yet to learn how to freaking steer/maneuver the bike to redirect said trailer? Yeah, not so easy. I stand there for a few seconds (which feel like 5 minutes), feeling acutely conspicuous and inept and embarrassed... and then some guy asks if I need help.
Now. Let me say. I HAVE A RULE. And I am usually pretty good at following it, as much as I can. RULE: I DON'T TALK TO GUYS. I go to female cashiers. If I have a question for an employee, I find a female employee. If I'm out on the street and some male talks to me, I ignore him. I don't even make eye contact with men. Those are the rules. (Yes, I think most people would call that a bit extreme or ridiculous or crazy or whatever. But I am more comfortable that way, and I think it's an important behavior for me to practice and model for my kids - although since they're both boys, for them the rule is also no talking to girls when Mom's not around, just like Mom (hopefully giving them the foundation that the kind of girl they will want to marry is not overly friendly with other men) doesn't talk to guys and the boys don't talk to guys when Dad's not around. THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.)
But what did I do when a guy asked if I needed help with the bike trailer today? I SAID YES. And what did I do when he said he could fix the chain? I SAID YES.
And then I thought: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL, WOMAN?? "Because it's easier" = BAD REASON. Same goes for "because I was embarrassed, because I needed more time to think of a plan, because because because."
Guy finishes, I keep my eyes down and say a quick "Thank you" (WAS THAT EVEN NECESSARY?), and walk away.
The rest of my day? Colossal train wreck. Emotionally and mentally, anyway. I've held it together better than in the past, which is maybe improvement? But the fact that this happened at all, that I lapsed on a rule...Yeah, can't let that happen.
You probably think I'm a looney tune at this point. But I'm serious about this! It's a hugely important boundary for me. It's like the all-or-nothing mentality - if I don't completely eliminate the possibility of interacting with another man who is not my husband, then I run the very real risk of becoming too friendly, allowing another man to develop a connection with me (and vice-versa)... Nothing good can come of it. So why even go there?
Ugh. That's my attempt at a humorous interpretation - sardonic? self-deprecating? all of the above? - of a rather bad event. Overall bad, like that gets me all crazy and emotional and depressed and hard(er) on myself. And then I think of all the other crappity crap crapness that I have failed at of late - like, looking around to find SOMEthing to bolster my importance and success as a human being and life's work and really, frankly, anything to point to as some small small measure of something that I did that was good or even marginally okay (and is anybody still reading at this point, because I'm starting to lose even myself), and ANYway. So the list of failures grows, and it's like WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST WEEK? Because it certainly wasn't laundry. Or the huge success of homeschooling-that's-not-homeschooling. Or personal erudition. (Religion, politics, world news, fill in the blank.) Or ANYTHING, frankly. BECAUSE I SUCK AT LIFE.
And I don't even have any peanut butter Oreos on hand. ANOTHER FAIL.
*Although I suppose now, in this modern era packed to the gills with oodles and oodles of technology, "drunk text" is more appropriate.**
**Actually, neither is appropriate. Here is why. 1) I don't drink. 2) I don't text.***
*** I used to text. Just...no, not anymore, it is a bad, bad idea.****
****Speaking of bad ideas: Things I Used to Do But Don't Because I Have Dubbed Them Bad Ideas.
MySpace.
Facebook.
Friends of the Opposite Sex.
Let's just keep those doors shut, shall we? I could add to the list, but y'all don't need to be bogged down in the minutiae of me trying to figure out how to survive Life.
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