Allow me to introduce my superhuman, collagen- and elastin-defying SUPERPOWERS!! (As in, "HAHA, take THAT you denizens of firm, young, supple skin! You got NOTHIN' on US!" - said from somewhere around knee-level, as that is where my decidedly gravity-friendly boobage has decided to settle.) I have acquired, seemingly overnight, the amazing - nay, jaw-droppingly astonishing - ability to stretch strategic parts of my body to lengths heretofore unimaginable. Granted, I don't have a whole lot of control over which parts do the stretching. Aaaand I'm prrreeeeetty sure this awesome stretch capability is a somewhat permanent thing. You know, unless I avail myself of OTHERS' superhuman powers of something like, oh, I don't know, plastic surgery.
But whatever! So my wicked saddlebags and cameltoe combo is a bit lower than expected. It's the element of surprise! And does it REALLY matter if said boobage is in more danger of being hit by a toddler + trike driveby than a random groping by Hottie McHotts?
Superhuman, I tell you - you won't find these gravity-friendly superpowers just anywhere! (Or ARE they? Maybe they are SO extreme they are totally opposite, and have become gravity-defying...)
Yeah, who's got skillz now?
(And, as an added kicker, I am remarkably akin to a water-retaining seacow right now. HOOAH!)
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